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Commenting on the script

Created at April 14, 2009
Created by Simo Raittila
Deadline June 01, 2009: over 2 years over
Shots given 1
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Raul Valge My thoughts
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Description

I will soon wish to put up a task for actually filming / making the film. I myself am interested only mainly in the writing part of it. Before that I would like some comments on how to maybe better the script (INCLUDED HERE)

What should be changed? This doesn't include the girl's name and obituary which is being dealt with in it's own Task.

Is there some huge problem with the script? Is it filmable? Are there parts that I have failed to communicate so that they can be understood without too much interpretation - not too randomly?

Does the film need something more concrete? Is something UTTERLY STUPID?


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Raul Valge April 22, 2009 13:45 3 Thumb-ups
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My thoughts

The script left me a bit confused..
We see the couple at present time, arguing and eventually breaking up.
We're shown a flashback of how they met.
And then the girl suddenly dies.. Just like that..
What happened to her? Why did she die?

There seem to be some references that she's ill
"She is holding her side." and the boy texting "Let me help.",
but still they are very vague.

And why did they break up?

The point of the short was lost to me..

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Comments

Raul Valge April 23, 2009 12:15 Flag

I think the audience should be told of the illness before the break-up. Then it would probably be easier to understand that the boy doesn't know about it.

Maybe the text messages could be used to explain the story in the end..
He would probably send multiple messages over time. At some point he would find out about the illness, and there could be a message telling that. And saying that he wants to help no matter what..
There could also be some kind of a response from the girl before the end, to make things a bit more positive..

But all this could make things too obvious.

Simo Raittila April 22, 2009 17:30 Flag

Hmm.. okay. This is a problem.

The argument is supposed to be the girl leaving the boy (not telling him that she's ill and about to die). It's hard to do this without being too corny and I would want to make it comprehensible enough but still being a bit like "What's happening!? Is she leaving him? Why?!" and the illness being revealed to give the audience a clue for interpretation.

Maybe I should try to underline somehow a lit more the fact that she left him to have him not see her downfall so to speak.

I'm not sure whether the short, when shot should be TOO easy to understand. Maybe it should require two views. But it really isn't supposed to be impossible to understand either :/

Of course the hospital drip bag at least should underline the illness enough, but the break-up should be a bit more understandable for the audience?

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