NOTE! We've printed the selected stories to newspapers for the Berlin and Cannes film festivals. We have since set up "The Truth Online" website to publish even more of the articles. So keep them coming!
Calling out for writers to contribute satirical news stories for a mock news paper set in the Earth 2018 of the Iron Sky movie.
We are looking for amateur & professional writers to write short news stories for a free mock-newspaper that will be printed and spread out during Berlin Film Festival 2009 as a promotional item for Iron Sky.
The format of the paper is like the free Metro newspaper, but the stories can be satirical, as long as they are believeable in some way. The main article in the paper is: ”NAZIS FROM THE MOON ATTACKING EARTH”.
The newspaper is set on Earth, and before this edition, nobody (at least the big public) has known anything about the Nazi threat.
Length of the articles is supposed to be between 500-2500 characters, and the language should be English. Subjects can be around any topic you can find from a normal newspaper: news, culture, sports, entertainment etc. The style can be, but is not limited to, satirical (take a look at The Onion online newspaper for a reference).
If your story ends up to the paper, your name will of course be printed (unless you specifically don't want to), and we'll send you a physical copy of the paper after it's out of the print.
NOTE: PICTURES!
Writers can suggest pictures to go along with the stories, but it's important that they are released under a Creative Commons license which allows the use of the images. Also, you can add as a comment your own picture ideas to the stories submitted here. But keep in mind, we need to have the rights to release them.
The build-up to next week's meeting of the Conglomerate of United Nations Trustees in Kyoto has been intense as always. This year's meeting is once again to discuss the economic crisis. Protests still continue worldwide, with political activists claiming that CUNT have done nothing since downturns pointing to the beginning of an economic crisis became apparent in 2014. CUNT president Yuri Ono was visibly distressed when asked about these protests, clearly offended by such protest signs as 'Fucking CUNT'.
"These people clearly have no reasoning behind these protests and are merely stirring up trouble since they do not find our organisation legitimate." Ono said.
"Our CUNT is quite large and we require many people to fill it. I am sure once this meeting is finished, things will come quite pleasurably."
The long contested bridge across Lake Superior has moved one step closer to becoming reality despite protests from environmental activists. US companies celebrate this latest development even as protesters gather their forces for a renewed campaign against the building project. When completed, the bridge between the US town of Red Hook and the Canadian city of Innsmouth will become the longest bridge in the world, a huge building project that is scheduled to take six years to complete.
The US Supreme Court decided yesterday that the case filed by Greenpeace against the Owl Creek Bridge project had no cause under US environmental protection laws and subsequently dismissed the case. Pierce Ambrose, the project manager, voiced his relief after the ruling:
"This bridge is needed in order to further solidify the regional economy – if we let the old national borders hinder us we'll never regain the prosperity that we all lost during the 2010 depression."
This is not a view shared by the environmental movement, and the Greenpeace regional spokesman Charles D. Ward said:
"We've all heard the same all arguments from the floundering old businesses – if they can't find a way to stay afloat without ruining the local environment maybe they should go out of business!"
The Michigan state senator Sonia Greene has so far refused to comment on recent developments in this case, but political commentators are certain that this is one issue that will not be settled so easily.
I'm a little surprised that this seems to have slipped under the radar of most of you; surely I'm not the only Lovecraft fan around here? I realise that most other people don't have all five volumes of his "Selected letters" as published by Arkham House (fantastic reading, btw), but still. So let me explain the little jokes to you:
1. The city of Red Hook refers to the district of Red Hook in Brooklyn where Lovecraft lived for a time, and also his story "The Horror at Red Brook".
2. Innsmouth should require no further explanation, but just in case, surely you're familiar with "The Shadow over Innsmouth".
3. Owl Creek Bridge is a bit more select – one of Lovecraft's influences was Ambrose Bierce, who wrote "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge".
4. Hence the name of the project manager, here named as Pierce Ambrose.
5. The name of the Greenpeace spokesman HAS to ring a bell, Charles D. Ward? Surely you're familiar with Lovescraft's brilliant "The Case of Charles Dexter Ward"?!
6. And the Michigan senator is here named as Sonia Greene – I'm sure I'm not the only one that knows that she was Lovecraft’s wife.
It's still a year left until the IOC decides on which city will get to host the 2026 Olympic Winter Games, but the field of candidates is already down to just two contenders after St. Moritz, the only remaining European Union candidate city, withdrew its application yesterday. The EU applicant was the last remaining uncontroversial candidate, and many now fear that the ultimate vote of the IOC will only reflect existing political divisions.
The leader of the St. Moritz campaign for the games, Vreni Schneider, said last night, "It saddens us to have to do this, but we have no choice but to concede defeat, no matter how hard we've tried to plan for this, with snow cannons and artificial snow. The sad fact of the matter is that it's no longer possible to stage events like this in the Alps due to climate change. A generation ago we would have been able to have a winter event almost anywhere in the region, but these days we're unlikely to get subzero temperatures even at the height of what should be winter."
This leaves the US and the Chinese as the last two remaining candidates, and the choice of either would mean the risk of a major boycott, but no other potential candidate city now seems to be located in a region that would guarantee proper winter conditions for the games. Pierre Coubertin, the Canadian chairman of the IOC, tried to downplay the political aspects of the bid for the games, "This is about sports, and people who love sports. We should set aside our differences and try to come together at events like this." His plea is unlikely to be heeded.
The Chinese winter resort Xia Shang was built on the ruins of Lhasa after the Chinese destroyed the city in 2011, when it rose up in a final desperate bid for Tibetan independence. Unsurprisingly, human rights activists are already preparing to launch a campaign for all Western powers to boycott the games if the Chinese win.
The US candidate is hardly less controversial, the town of McMurdo in the US state of Lincoln, a state that was created less than five years ago when the United States annexed most of Antarctica and started to tap into its vast natural resources, setting off a huge uproar even amongst its NATO partners. Environmentalists are fuming at the thought of an event like the Olympic Games being brought there, which will mean massive building projects and tens of thousands of visitors to what is one of the world's most sensitive areas.
As always when the Olympic Games are to be awarded, accusations of partisanship and bribery are rife, with most thinking that the winner will be the candidate city with the deepest pockets, in this case most probably the Chinese. The world will find out in July next year, when the IOC convenes for the final vote in Lausanne. Whatever the decision, it's bound to be unpopular.
The union of doormen and elevatormen did in fact rally as one in individualized hit squads the day before yesterday, murdering scores of ungrateful banking families to the wild delight of newspaper writers across the land. Yesterday's headlines, ‘Heroes,’ ‘Patriots,’ ‘Diplomats,’ helped my granddaddy, a veteran, kick his morphine habit and die in remembrance of his hardiest moments. The ticker tape parades still popping up around the burroughs will surely absolve this writer’s copy for a humbly free paper.
At least twelve Mexican maids have been deported from the country on trumped up charges of laziness and entrapment to validate Gotham’s longest running show, Law and Order, which depicts why so many can live in such relative peace to the delight of newspaper readers around the globe. TV star Vin Dockery had this to say, 'Uh, yeah, as president of a union that relies on bureaucracy, I felt we had to make a stand and say, no, things don't shake down like that, foreign nationals may burglarize and kill one, but one doesn't just get gunned down en mass by one's doormen. TV don't play that.'
Lord’s of London representative, Jerome Pendurompus, had this to say, ‘It’s amazing, a few thousand doormen in Manhattan can concoct a heroic plan to execute majority will in Manhattan, and the economy rises like a phoenix in China the day before!’ Ms. Pendurompus denied the fact that anyone was deported to legitimate the economically sound bloodlust, ‘Don't listen to actors, they just sell sex. Conspiracy doesn’t work in America. Government’s distopicly awkward rhetorical skills insures this. Those maids were probably just caught in the wrong place at the wrong time and didn’t know whom should be trusted. Trust me, those doormen are heros and as far as I'm concerned they acted for England as much as any other ideal.’
It's true the Mexican 12 may not get tried in their home country for rousing suicidal behavior in the homes of their Gringo employers but Mexico is a fiercely Catholic country and one does not need to be tried there to be persecuted.
Think tanks all over the country yesterday were spontaneously found guilty of graft as the limousine and taxi union joined up with truckers to impose house arrest on goods and services. The‘CEO’ of a 'professional think tank,' Ed Vonsow faced his empty hanger with a megaphone after being questioned as to why special treatment was so important to him, ‘Being unable to define my job is why I’m here as a businessman, don’t we all find ourselves wondering who we are and why we’re here at the end of the day? I help out in the ways you don’t get to notice when you’re out with your family, taking care of your children.’ Several workers were on hand to meet Vonsow’s appeal for immediate service with special requests. Chants of ‘Choke yourself!’ and ‘Play smart and die already,' gave way to choral round of, 'Paperwork is math!' Some popular workers took the time to explain that what they demanded was to produce things that are useful to people and persons alike like UFOs.
The bloody door and elevatormen union apparently is busy protecting their brothers and sisters and declined to return phone calls, ‘Until some people learn that they can only capitalize by betting on a future and not against multiple futures like inept diplomats.’
What will have happened to this unique object by 2018??
Is it an object worshipped by a cult of Radiatingly Pure Believers?
Is it the core a most sinister Nazi weapon with unknown powers...?
Wanted to share this as an inspirational REAL-WORLD occurrence... :o)
Itchy Bitchy Machines has made a robot that has a digestion that imitates the human digestion and it's way to provide energy to the human body
The machine can use as it's energy source any plant. It was even tested with some fruit, and therefore it was easy to observe that it ate apple too, in front of many reporters who were invited to see the new product.
The new approach to give energy to machines is recommended by European Union that has already been very positive about producing bioenergy for cars and houses. Now that the more and more common robot folks eat the same food as common urban folks and even more (pulp for example) we can try to slow down the tendence to build up new atomic energy plants for our energy source with that new robot technology.
Next project in humanising the robot is to make it suffer from lactose intolerance and allergy too. Perhaps it speeds up the market when people find out how human the products of Itchy Bitchy Machines robot department are.
The Seattle Kite, the Louisville Island, and the Detroit Current all officially closed their publishing factories today following the death of National News Inc. chairperson Lidia Kulltour. Her trust apparently called for the conversion of her printing presses into urban spaces and eventually, 'indoor parks for children who can't play in the rain because it would adversely affect their health and the health of their guardians.'
Andy Burgos, Editor of the Current, explained why unions didn't think fighting the will of the dead billionaire was important to their bottom line: 'People say it's those fancy new Steve Job IWatch jobs, or because no one has the time to commit real crime anymore. I don't know, if you follow the money, it used to just lead to the paper. Anyway, economically, Hindsight did it.' Apparently, the board of National News Inc. believes that the Gandor Hindsight, North American's number one daily and self professed, 'Comically, Totally, Paper,' has proved beyond doubt that real news does not in fact exist. 'Hindsight's fictional comedy proved - without cartoons mind you - that the only news that people care about is good news. And that's because people, we're mostly good. And if government stopped printing fake news because of some fearful boredom bellcurve invented by Nazi scientists that showed reading gobs of business smut and petty crime hype encourages bureaucracy, that'd be a good thing.'
The Gandor Hindsight is owned by Chicago publishing house Randomus. My secretary there was available for comment, 'A lot more people are more busy than before, so there's just less news I guess. Tough break. We here in Chicago don't really believe anything that doesn't require heavy machinery. Do you think that any of these people will see a dime from the New York bankers now that they can't print something that more than few people can agree on at a time? I don't and I've had more than few Manhattan bankers, I know what they're scared of: it ain't paper jams.'
We should have sent the cheerleaders way before all the banks in the world failed at once.
Now, if we manage to bundle together a proper cheering section, they'll probably lack the requisite uniforms and stipends to be anything but Communists.
Please forgive my spontaneous display of planning Mr. Alan,
if I had known you were reading, I wouldn't have put forth such an unedited display of Nazi sympathy. Hopefully we can agree that Nazi sympathy clearly displays fear through the classical signs of run on sentences, curled lips, and eyes opened very wide while pointing and shouting in the opposite direction from oneself!?
There, that cleared the air between us nicely didn't it?
Since I can't edit my original comment - there are at least three DisMooNazian turns of grammar and logic in our original invitation to the party which require the words 'scare,' 'marching,' and 'many,' rather than the original words used of 'pay,' 'listening,' and 'few,' - I push the 'recant' button!
Some are born great,
and some have greatness thrust upon them:
I wonder how he'd respond to an old fashioned cheerleading section of Nazis (or for that matter MooNazis)?
(In liederhossen, SS black, or classical suit and tie?)
They should communicate with him to show their appreciation for the many years of promoting psychoses as market forces ;
perhaps a gigantic check may be in order? (6feet by 2'1/4")
Along with a formal invitation to the MooNazi Party:
'Few have made dumbing down such a profitable industry, thank you not only for giving the insane representation in your media but for also for reminding the peoples of America that we are not so different as they - we too have enjoyed listening to the emphatic meanderings of satirists. We'd like to pay you off to encourage you to stop and learn German. It's more difficult than funny.'
The G20 today announced a special finance investigation of BMW. During the great global depression of 2009 the G20 was called in to handle the crisis. In doing so funds were made available to several corporations such as BMW and other large European Manufacturers to help boost the global economy. BMW was given 15 Billion Euro to help keep the company afloat. BMW executives convinced the finance committee to give them the money by going on a massive public relations campaign to help boost consumer confidence. In doing so the public showed there support by inundating The G20 Headquarters with massive emails and marches in New York, London, Paris and Brussels. The Funds that were granted to BMW seems to have vanished and the company maintains that it was cyber attacked and all funds disappeared without a trace. Certain members of the G20 Committee accuse BMW and it's top executives of using this money for a top secret program called operation paper clip. Operation paper clip was a TOP SECRET Nazi experimental spacecraft program. Adolph Hitler and his Nazi Party were secretly developing flying saucers according to the information. Proof has come forward that BMW did in fact help design and manufacture these discs back in 1945.
Below is a film made by the History Channel back in 2003 which shows what the G20 Counsel is basing its evidence upon.
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