Maine man mauled by a polar bear!

in 2018 the ice caps are long gone and polar bears have migrated to south...

Deuters News Network

DEUTERS
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2:22 (EST)

Onion buys Deuters.

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2:22 (EST)

Warren Buffet Dies.

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2:20 (EST)
Appellant Courts of Illinois

Bailiffs across the state yesterday declared martial law and prisons were opened to make way for graduating college students who missed out on obtaining a degree in any science whatsoever. Innocent felons meanwhile were directed to join the war effort, 'unless they can count and appreciate scientific thinking simultaneously in order to enable sound scientific practices within the field of locomotion and before.'

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2:02 (EST)
New York, New York

Live News President of Programming, Vandy Hart, files suit against Deuters News Machine Ltd. for monopolizing the news with death and corpses to polk fun at her network of news stations.

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2:00PM (EST)
New York, New York

Manhattan Judge, the Honorable Judith Judicius Donder, set bail for Bernie Dowdoff, the successfully suicidal investment banker, at one green Thomas Jefferson or a clairvoyant, a cleaning crew, and comedian, 'which ever comes first.' Protesters continue to gather in legal offices throughout Manhattan to discuss the legality of holding a deceased body against the majority's will.

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1:37PM (EST)
London, England

Media mogul Fred Gutz has filed a suit against supercouple turned superhostages Spartatodd. The suit will attack, Sparta Jones' and Todd Reichs' foundation, ‘Good,’ for monopolizing their lives and ruining Gutz' English language trade zines, ‘Spy,’ ‘Slave,’ and ‘Pro-this,’ dedicated to reaffirming the invaluable star power of internationally bankable stars celebrating the curiously transparent society.

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12:37PM EST
Orlando, FL
Lavachdra Murmerdra:
“
INDIA'S BIG BROWN IS STAR BOUND! Rocket scientists the world over have been very excited by Gomber’s clean energy thrust weight coefficients. But no one expected Gomber’s system to propel us into the stars. With Arjuna II’s successful launch, now we know that renewable energy can clean upwards into the stratosphere. It’s true we’re still perfecting the technology, and we hope to attain a zero germ environment in our fuselage so that they may be converted into living quarters with some proper funding. Arjuna II’s hull will be used as a vertical greenhouse in Delhi to capture very high rising CO2 gases that too often evade even our tallest trees. Believe it or not but indigenous waste is running low in India, so, here and now, we are prepared to announce an even smarter design for our next launch – Italian manure. Believe it or not – there is greater access to the fervent gases over there so long as they have toilets and open-air garbage dumps. The Tibetan company, Pow Milk, will oversee infrastructure development to ensure an enriched product piped from the Black Sea. Although the Italian DOC & DOC Guarateed councils have ensured a powerful basic product, here at ISRO we appreciate knowing Pow’s involved. We still believe Big Brown can take us to Mars and Venus and we fully expect our BB2 Propulsion Rockets to attain a prolonged orbital stasis within the year.
“

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11:37AM
Washington D.C.

White House secretary Jay Gap told reporters that it was too early to respond to International News Corp. chief, Fred Gutz, because, 'we have many more responsibilities besides him. Accordingly, a response from the administration may be forthcoming if the President or chief of staff or my tenth grade son currently engaged in social studies has the time to think of something poignantly funny to say to such an obvious bigot.'

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10:01AM/EST
Queens NYPD reported finding Frank Stopa - Sports reporter, Constitution blogger, and Brighton Beach resident - incinerated beyond recognition down to his shins. "Yeah, lucky his dentures fell out or we wouldn't have nothing to go go - he's being 3/4's ash. Needless to say, our official position on this one is 'weird.'"

9:37AM/EST

A Franco / Slovak UN Forensic team pieced together the heroism that lead to a pile of Falun Gong practitioners to be found dying around the Olympic torch in the Gobi dessert.
Carrying the Olympic torch after three days of running, marathon favorite Slabodine Sleewek collapses of exhaustion and dies in Turkey. Kenyan runner Wiose Rnowe caught the torch and carried Sleewek’s body and continued on. Rnowe collapsed and died in outer Iran but not before reigning Saudi world champion marathoner Prince Sheik Eaton caught the falling torch, and hauled the diminutive Pole and gigantic Kenyan on his shoulders. It was their excessive weight that caused the great Sheik Eaton to sink and drown in the sands of the Gobi dessert and not the peaceful Falun Gongers who apparently were just attracted by the light of the still burning torch.
German born Pope John Paul III and Polish prime minister Lester Soborowich
celebrated the selflessness of the Olympic spirit by mourning together before Mass.

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5:07AM/EST
International News Corp. boss Fred Gutz accuses the White House of media terrorism, insisting that a rant on international TV about an imminent 'Moon Nazi Invasion' never happened:
'The administration have been especially soft on media terrorists. And I wonder why. Allowing kids to assemble 'cut and paste puppet shows' of real people doing unimaginably disgusting things to encourage the imagination and a compositional eye is one thing, but scaring the American people through identity theft is just wrong. The truth is our business OK: Nazis didn't go to the moon and they're not coming back and they would never dare to invade such a free and open society as ours no matter what you see on your monitors.'

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7:03PM/EST
In New York, Live News boss Vandy Hart dismisses claims that the 'Moon Invasion' incident ever happened. International News Corp. head, Fred Gutz, stunned a group of reporters in Australia by going Kangaroo hunting with Koffer Weiss: 'I haven't in studio for over a week. I'm a retired man enjoying god's green earth.'

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6:11PM/EST
Koffer Weiss fired from Live News for going off script at outset of program:

'What we know: Nazis of the 1940s, never tiring of fighting multiple fronts, conquered Antarctica and founded New Swabia. From this frozen outpost, Nazis successfully perfected their experiments in free energies and launched a colony into space to rule Earth in secret from the dark side of the Moon. Shielded from the great equalizer, light, these Nazis unleashed an incessant program of merciless counterintelligence using UFOs to staff our most common fears and manipulate our highest aspirations. They now dare open conflict rather than covert rule. FIGHT - if you value your life – FIGHT!'

Russian Military goes Private, Lenin turns Over in his Tomb!

Dateline: Moscow, 2018: In its continuing effort to complete its space fleet and to further the goals of neo-perestroika, the CEO-Marshall Georgy Kissov of the Russian military has announced its upcoming IPO. Now to be known as the Russian Amalgamated Military, Inc., or RAM Inc., the IPO will release 49% of the new corporation's 15,000,000 shares of common stock for sale at a starting price of 12.00 Euros. Annalysts on Wall Street are very excited about this new offering and insiders are reportedly lining up to snap up blocks of the RAM Inc. stock.

In related news, the body of Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, a.k.a. Lenin, was discoveded to have turned over in his tomb immediately after the press conference announcing RAM Inc.'s IPO. Despite repeated phone calls and emails, spokespersons for Lenin's tomb were unavailable for comment at press time.

Reports of laughter eminating from the grave of former Russian Prime Minister Alexander Kerensky in Putney Vale Cemetary, London, England at the same time remain unconfirmed.

EU Admiralty Vote demonstrates Defiance

Dateline: EU Admiralty HQ, Brussels, Belgium. In a near unanimous vote, the EU Admiralty renamed its star fleet's flag ship the 'Konrad Adenauer', after the first Chancellor of West Germany following the end of the Second World War. The one decenting country was France, who wanted the spaceship renamed the 'Charles de Gaulle'.

Germans mark 100th Anniversary of First Great Struggle with Cold Stares

Ben Tennenbaum,
European Correspondent for the Associated Press
Kehl, Germany
Today marks the One Hundredth Anniversary of Germany's failed attempt at World Conquest. To commemorate such an auspicious occasion, the mayor of Kehl, Germany, the neighbor city of Strasbourg, France, has arranged a midnight staring mass at the French.
Following the German defeat with the signing of the Treaty of Versailles, Germany has always born a grudge against their French neighbor. Not only were the reparations paid out by Germany not enough, but the French had to instigate the German peoples to revolt once more in Germany's glorious second attempt at World Conquest.
Such an occasion was marked by a national holiday across the German Republic with a general defacing of French and British monuments. In Berlin alone, seven French-cuisine restaurants had their front windows smashed. In response to this outburst of anarchy, the French gladly gave up their property as a sign of good will.
Herr Otto Schulmann, the owner of a German restaurant who annexed his French neighbor thought rather positively of his recent acquisitions, "My previous tenet to my left was such a unwise businessman. All he would do was gloat about how his business was so much better than mine. So, in the German spirit, I silenced, I mean, I bought out his restaurant. Today, I have served more than one thousand patriotic German citizens in preparation for our midnight mass,"
Moreover, the British restaurateurs of the town turned to the local McDonalds for the necessary supplies to last such a harsh struggle. The local manager of the Kehl McDonalds was seen packing up crates of beef and cheese to ship to local British restaurants in an effort to whether the day.
The trains flooded the tiny city as the crowds all massed in the city square in preparation for the nights festivities. At approximately 23:59, local standard time, the German citizens extinguished all lights from the city, except for two large spotlights, which were trained across the French boarder. For one minute, no German uttered a single word and solely stared at the French town.
At midnight, the staring stopped and the spotlights were extinguished, ending the festivities.
However, the town has more plans in store. As the Kehl mayor, Günther Petry, commented, “We are looking forward to 2039, when we shall celebrate the start of our Second whack at European politics. Big plans are in store, involving a massive pyrotechnics show, the likes of which the French shall never forget, not at least for six years,”

(for photo, have a mass of people in total darkness staring)

PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST

Peace in the Middle East! Iran and Jordan shake hands
The king of Jordan and Queen of Iran have joined forces to finally end the year-long feud over displaced settlers. More on page B7

Californian officials declare that the gerbil influx will not affect the ecosystem in any way
A widescale panic ensued when gerbils were spotted in the wild in California, despite constant reassurance from President Shwartzenegger that they won't become the dominant species in the area. More on page A2

Nuclear Bomb found in basement of school janitor
FBI agents arrested Nick Nalt, janitor, on Tuesday, for illegally having a 20 megaton atomic bomb in his basement. "I swear, I never knew. I'm holding it for a friend. I don't know whose it is. I think you're in the wrong house", he exclaimed.
More on page C9

Source of Continuing Global Economic Woes

AP- Abdul Zimmerman, chief theorist of the Ayn Rand Thinktank Institution, today released to the public the efforts of years of study on behalf of his esteemed association.
Said Zimmerman, "After much research and consultations with marketing analysts and financial experts from around the globe, we of the A.R.T.I. have reached the conclusion as to the source behind the continuing assorted global economic crises.
Essentially, we blame the price of tea in China."

Lone surviving Beatle Ringo Starr, who had absolutely nothing to do with this story, could not be reached for comment as of press time.

German biologist killed in freak accident by extinct bird

German biologist Gordon Kohl, who had been stationed in Argentina to study the vegetation in the forests of the Gran Chaco province, was killed on Tuesday in what scientific minds all over the world have dubbed both 'a terrible tragedy' and 'an amazing discovery.' Kohl's associate Brian Davis said that Gordon was 'minding his own business perusing ferns' when 'an enormously large bird came swooping down and grabbed him by the shoulders'. Kohl's half-eaten body was later found hanging out of a tree. Zoologists have identified the bird from descriptions as Argentavis magnificens, also known as the 'Giant Teratorn', a creature six million years old and long thought to be extinct.
The discovery has baffled scientists and prompted debate from religious scholars who were today protesting at the Museum of National History in London, telling passersby to 'shove evolution up your ass'. Internet discussions have proclaimed that 'God is the biggest troll ever.' When asked to comment, Stephen Hawking was heard to have said 'What the fuck?'

Greens groups have created the Previously-Extinct Native Intelligence Society (PENIS) for gathering information on new species previously thought to be extinct.

Robots Go Home!

FREE SPACE
London, England
By
Heely Kurzee

Here in 2018, 150 years removed from Darwin’s presentation of Evolution at the Linnean society, and 148 years after the riotuous Oxford Evolution Debates, the halls of higher British learning ring again with the comely urgencies of spiritualized debate as Bishop Lerner Kotenfreud attacked Patrick Hamlin Buts’ defense of the last Rolling Phones album, ‘Robo Church,’ that includes lyrics like, ‘Church is there, anywhere, where robots care to dream on your share,’ among snazzy hooks and rocky guitar riffs much to the consternation of activists worldwide currently blowing up European buildings housing accountants that pay for robot factories.

Bishop Kotenfreud, representing the newly founded Deutch Union Kraft exchange (DUK) of publically traded international unions suggested that the devil may finally anger god enough to snuff out humanity: ‘if god surely lied in the heavens, we humans should meet him in person as we’ve always done and not via revoluting brain circuitry,’ while Buts, the learned MTU rock reporter & rock missionary, rock confessor, rock historian, rock snob and poet, bored many teenagers out of there minds with a three hour speech on the history of fire and learning, comparing the robots to reflections of angels while waiting for the Rolling Phones to set his speech to music.
The DUK reportedly will return to exploding factories dedicated to producing robots capable of space travel once the musical sitins end. The Union of Managing Factories (UFM) continue to believe that robots may actually be more fit for space than earth as they don’t breath nor need to thus leaving earth safely to us humans. Personally I hear the next Bill Gates remixed dance mix album, ‘Infinte Now,’ is set to settle the debate with bluesy simple worded melodies intoxicatingly set to a hypnotically looping drum kit. Expect the review tomorrow on my podcast, 'Reverb,' presented by UFM boots, Grounding Up For Kids, and RobSslave, your real friends in the virtual word.

The Beatles White Album's 50'th anniversary

This year marks the 50th anniversary of The Beatles' White Album. Long gone is the Soviet Union that was greeted with the song Back in the USSR, Blackbird has also sung now for fifty years and Martha been oh so dear...

Ironically the world economics has gone Helter Skelter during the last two decades, and many citizens around the world have admitted that Happiness is a Warm Gun. People talking about Nazis on the moon and conspiracies should know anyhow that Everybody's got something to hide except me and my Monkey. You now think you want a Revolution? So why don't we do it in the Road, no one will be watching us?

Now turn on your record players again and tune in to that Beatles White Album coming clear and loud from your amplifiers, maybe there is a message there, as some people claim, because the music of the Fab Four has now lasted half a century. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

- Brian Brimstone, music journalist of the 60's.