New law against former anti-racist expressions

It has been very popular worldwide that anti-racist expressions spread out in newspapers and schoolbooks. Nobody wants to show if he or she is a racist and therefore such expressions as african-american, asian and left-liberal are being used instead of saying directly that one means to say that somebody has more pigment or different pigment or is thinking socialistic thoughts.

The amount of expressions that are being used to different political, ethnical and religional groups is nowadays very high. The former short words describing those things were short and efficient and the establishment wanting to avoid thought crimes has added more and more layers of nonsense over the words they have invented and that almost always tend to turn the idea opposite to the original idea to avoid racism.

Therefore there is now that new law that forbids people to invent new artificial and very long and difficult words to ethnical, religional or political groups. It has been calculated that it saves much ink and energy in economy and can prevent new depression and recession too. So people please don't say anymore for example "that african-american Nelson Mandela..." nor "that pigmented Nelson Mandela" plain "southafrican president" isdescribing enough. And shorter by the way.

Recession hits sales of fine leather jackets, manufacturer CEO Henry Jones Jr. resigns

The world's leading maker of high quality men's leatherwear has posted its third successive quarterly loss, leading to the resignation of its chief executive Henry Jones Jr and talk of possible bankruptcy.

A former professor of archaeology, Dr Jones had led the company since its foundation after the Second World War. In a statement made through his legal team today he said:

"It's been a hell of a journey making it through the jungle of big business. I thought I'd seen some pretty scary things in my time, but nothing prepared me for the full horror of a double-dip recession. It's a shame I have to leave, but I'm pretty sure my dad would have been proud of what we've achieved. I think we kinda lost our way towards the end though, some of the stuff we were making was pretty weird. I mean, who really needs a lead-lined refrigerator?"

Its European subsidiary, based in Grünwald, Germany, will continue production with a view to a possible takeover by the British drinks and travel conglomerate International Exports Plc.

Other going concerns in the company include:

-Trilby and fedora distribution in North America

-A bullwhip factory, one of the last of its kind in the world

-A chain of vintage motorcycle maintenance workshops

The company's new acting CEO, Mr Faisel el-Kahir, is expected to formally take over next week after an Extraordinary General Meeting of shareholders.

Zombie Proof household undone by skeptic roommate

May Horst - Minneapolis, MN, USA

An area household famously marketed as “Zombie Proof” has fallen victim to the latest living dead outbreak in Eastern Minnesota.

The 3-person apartment was recently renovated with zombie apocalypse in mind, and faced good natured ridicule until re-animated corpses started to appear out of nowhere.

As other area residents fled in terror, the general concensus was that the "Fortress of Madison Avenue" would be among the last to fall.

But this tragedy is proving to be a chilling reminder, that being zombie proof doesn't equal foolproof.

24-year old college dropout Jason Woyak was the sole survivor, and identified the victims as 23-year olds Alex Linny and Ian Backwoods.

Woyak, who escaped by using the standard “attach chainsaw to your hand stump” -technique, put the blame squarely on Backwoods, the latest roommate to move in.

“We stressed in the ad that we wanted a zombie smart roommate to join us two corpse killin’ bad boys”, Woyak exclaimed.

“And what does that fool do? He asks the hot cheerleader neighbor of ours to come over for a “friendly drink”, and leaves the bloody front door open for her. Sure, in his date came – as a brain-eatin' monster bitch!”

Linny, who lost his cat, life and both hands in the incident was last seen pounding the barred doors of a local church with his head, but could not be reached for comment.

Woyak still can’t believe he didn’t detect that his roommate was a zombie skeptic. He could find little sympathy for Backwoods, whom Truth Today's reporter found stuck to a broken fence by his entrails:

“We build this impenetrable fortress for him, and he screws it up in hopes of getting laid. What went into his head!?”

“Braaaaaaains!!!”, admitted Backwoods, who was still holding a pack of condoms in his remaining hand at the time of the interview.

Woyak explained that household rules were drafted to ensure resident safety, including a Know Where Your Baseball Bat Is -instruction manual, a “never shower with the curtain closed” –policy, and an explicit ban of holding parties since, in Woyak's words “large raucous events generally attract zombies”.

Roommates were encouraged to practice Zombido martial arts utilizing bathroom sinks, hot flat-irons and other improvised objects. Woyak also organized “In The Head, Idiot!” –themed field trips to the local shooting range.

The construction of zombie proof housing has been on exponential rise across the nation ever since George Romero came along. A niche market has also grown for natural disaster proof airplanes nicknamed “Emmerich Escape Vehicles”, and for Space Nazi proof shelters.

(This is inspired by a real rental ad in a Wisconsin newspaper: http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/hnp/roo/1796400462.html)

Talking a second language

The Department of education announced today it would take strong measures to enfoce students to actually talk to each other. Texting and twittering has become so prominent in our schools that fewer then 20% of students actually talk to each other.

" If this trend continues" a department of education spokesman said " this generation could loose it's ability to communicate through speech entirely.

Communications expert ,Richard Smith, says this is nonsense and nothing more then scaremongering . " Texting and twittering has been around for years and there is no scientific proof to support the notion it has any adverse side effects.

Social expert Lana Ling agrees. She belives texting increases dexterity and reinforces a students literary and linguistic abilities.

The department of education disagrees, stating since the introduction of text and twitter that some students have forgoten how to spell their own name or don't know how to spell without shortening it..

The move to re-introduce the three R's back into primary school and re-introduce secondary students to correct spelling and grammer will go before federal parliment when it begins it's sitting in October.

"I blame it science fiction movies." . The minister said " This generation is so obsessed with other realities that they have no grounding in this one. " "Next thing they'll be beliving is these so called UFO reports are true. They are not I tell you they are the result of some warped fans imagination who has faked them himself . Just like the moon landing in 1969.".

Google Lunar Human X Prize

The Google Lunar Human X Prize is going into the final round. Founded in 2013 after the success of the first Google Lunar X-Prize, this time the goal is to send one or more person to the moon.
The original Google X-Prize made space exploration much cheaper afterwards, and also showed that the American actually went to the moon. Also the conspriracionist believe that was actually faked, since the teams were forced by the gorvement to broadcast premade images.

The Goggle Human X-Prize' price money of 1 billion dollars is given to who can send a person to the moon. Addional prices are 500 million to bring that person back, 100 million to surive one month on the moon, 2 million for taking a picture with any space craft on the moon, 50 million extra for every additional person send to the moon. An extra 150 million will be given to any find of stuff which shouldn't be on the moon like Nazis.
The goal must be achieved by June 2018, if no one succeed until that date, the delay is extended until 2020, but the price money is halfed.

Several teams will launch their craft soon. Like team BTTR (Back to the roots). Spokesman Fred Thomson explains: " We took the plans for the original Apollo hardware. That stuff already worked once, so why should it work again. Due to advaced in computer technique we could save considerable weight, by using just a laptop, instead of the original computer. Also it weights only a tenth, but it has one billion time more computing capicity." Also the BTTR won't have a Saturn V to disposition, they will use to commercial launcher to the send the land and the crew into orbit and to the moon.
Teams with smaller budget had to take different approach. Team SnailMoon do it the following, as director Francis Taylor says: "Our lander is already on the way to the moon using a low energy trajectory. We will use then a Dragon capsule from SapceX to send the people to the moon orbit, where they will dock to the lander, and then land. On the moon they will have refine the regolith to create fuel for the way back, since we couldn't send the fuel. In case the stay goes longer way have some inflatable greenhouse in the lander, so the team can grow the food."
Team SeleneSapiens has even easier solution. " We just need to be the first there, with the money from the prize we will be able to purchase a craft from another team, to get our people back", says CEO Carole Whiler.
Officially all teams claim they will get back their team from the moon, but some teams seems that they are willing to take in account that there crew will stay on the moon. Some rumors tell that most team have sucide pills or guns on board so that crew can commit sucide in case something goes wrong.

Also all team are required to broadcast all their flight and discovery live on Google Media Services and GoogleTV.

The Master Race??? Or the Juggernaut???

We here at the Onion believe we see it all, but, recently we came across something unusual. A 7 ft 280 pound behemoth of a man that looks similar to the Juggernaut of the comic books series X-Men. But as a journalist I become skeptical when I hear stories of this caliber and then told to write it.The crazy thing is I saw this monstrosity first hand and I tell you he didn't crumble up cars, or destroy a building he was actually calm. And when I finally came up with enough courage to talk to the man he greeted me before I can even say hello. So I did what any self proclaiming journalist would do... nothing. The reason I say this was not the sheer fact that I was afraid, no, was the fact he was odd in a way. The first was that he hardly spoke any English mostly German, the second was that he had blue eyes and blond hair that resembles a ken doll (pretty boy), third he was constantly was taking pictures of buildings as he was talking to me, wouldn't stop for nothing. But, the thing that caught me the most was not his great personality and handsome good looks or his Mr. Universe big muscles, no. It was when he was talking to me he kept mentioning something along the lines of "fuhrer" and "herrenvolk", which in English means the "leader of the master race". After he mentioned those two words he snapped back at me and told me in plain English "the second coming of Christ is upon us are you ready?" Now I have written enough stories to know a nut when I see one, but this guy was no nut I can tell a sane man when I see one. Now I leave you with one question whether you believe me or not, something is coming are you faithful?

FIFA unveils rule changes for World Cup 2018: penalty shoot-out replaced by karaoke contest

Following disastrous ticket sales and dwindling television audiences for the 2014 World Cup, FIFA has announced a raft of rule changes designed to maximise public interest in the upcoming 2018 tournament.

"We know some of these suggestions may seem a little radical," said a FIFA spokesperson "But really we have no choice. TV audiences just aren't there, and without them the money will drain out of the game. However, we can assure fans that we have remained faithful to the essence of what makes football great."

Rule changes include:

-Penalty shoot-outs to be replaced by karaoke contest featuring Sir Simon Cowell.

-Extra balls thrown on after every ten minutes without a goal.

-Players to have Formula 1-style telemetry cameras embedded in their foreheads.

-Centre circle to incorporate 10 metre trampoline.

-Goalkeepers to be armed with tranquiliser guns.

-Wolves to be released onto pitch during extra time.

The Truth Today interviewed a viewer panel to ask them if they would be more likely watch the World Cup after the rule changes. "Sure!" said one enthusiastic respondent "As long as it has dancing squirrels, like YouTube does."

May 2010 Update

Okay, as no one has objected to the stories and as Energia's rep has given them the go-ahead, the latest Truth Today update is here:

http://www.ironsky.net/thetruthtoday/

It's all been based on community ideas, but we really do need new shots to keep the updates flowing. So get posting! :)

The Truth Today on Twitter

As the experiment with Facebook was such a success, we've also now got an official Twitter account for the Truth Today. You can follow it at:

http://twitter.com/truthtodaypaper/

TTT Facebook page very popular... :)

Well, what a difference Facebook has made! :)

The number of people reading the Truth Today has shot up since we added the Facebook page, between 500%-1000% more viewers per day. For those who missed it you can see it here:

http://facebook.com/thetruthtoday/

Over 450 people have become fans of the TTT on Facebook in just a few days, and lots of them have been "liking" and commenting on the stories we've linked to on there so far. We also know a lot of people have been sharing links to TTT on their own Facebook status pages, to the extent where the majority of TTT's traffic now comes from Facebook in some form or another.

So, it looks like social media is a good match for viral sites like TTT.

With that in mind, we're going to try publishing new stories one at a time, so that each new item gets a chance to spread through social networks. To begin with we'll regularly update the FB page with links to selected older stories, but we'll need new stories to continue this flow of news once the older ones run out, so get posting shots! :)

What if I don't want to join Facebook? Can I still read TTT?

Absolutely, the Truth Today will remain on its website just like it always has been. The Facebook group is just a way of sharing links to the website.