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Satirical news (Metro meets The Onion)

Created at January 09, 2009
Created by Timo Vuorensola
Deadline Not set
Shots given 150
Wreckupations Director, Producer, Writer, Graphic Designer
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Eric Maietta F.D.A.: Everything causes Cancer in ...
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Eric Maietta Twitter Essay Contest Winner!
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(null) Sci-fi movie's moon scenes "could not...
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Amy Macintyre German biologist killed in freak acci...
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Robert Luxford Talking a second language
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Sami Laulajainen Solarsystem's newest addition.
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Jarmo Puskala Say hello to your new feline overlord...
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Description

NOTE! We've printed the selected stories to newspapers for the Berlin and Cannes film festivals. We have since set up "The Truth Online" website to publish even more of the articles. So keep them coming!

The online edition is: http://www.thetruthonline.info

---

Calling out for writers to contribute satirical news stories for a mock news paper set in the Earth 2018 of the Iron Sky movie.

We are looking for amateur & professional writers to write short news stories for a free mock-newspaper that will be printed and spread out during Berlin Film Festival 2009 as a promotional item for Iron Sky.

The format of the paper is like the free Metro newspaper, but the stories can be satirical, as long as they are believeable in some way. The main article in the paper is: ”NAZIS FROM THE MOON ATTACKING EARTH”.

The newspaper is set on Earth, and before this edition, nobody (at least the big public) has known anything about the Nazi threat.

Length of the articles is supposed to be between 500-2500 characters, and the language should be English. Subjects can be around any topic you can find from a normal newspaper: news, culture, sports, entertainment etc. The style can be, but is not limited to, satirical (take a look at The Onion online newspaper for a reference).

If your story ends up to the paper, your name will of course be printed (unless you specifically don't want to), and we'll send you a physical copy of the paper after it's out of the print.

NOTE: PICTURES!

Writers can suggest pictures to go along with the stories, but it's important that they are released under a Creative Commons license which allows the use of the images. Also, you can add as a comment your own picture ideas to the stories submitted here. But keep in mind, we need to have the rights to release them.


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Amy Macintyre April 12, 2009 13:19 10 Thumb-ups
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German biologist killed in freak accident by extinct bird

German biologist Gordon Kohl, who had been stationed in Argentina to study the vegetation in the forests of the Gran Chaco province, was killed on Tuesday in what scientific minds all over the world have dubbed both 'a terrible tragedy' and 'an amazing discovery.' Kohl's associate Brian Davis said that Gordon was 'minding his own business perusing ferns' when 'an enormously large bird came swooping down and grabbed him by the shoulders'. Kohl's half-eaten body was later found hanging out of a tree. Zoologists have identified the bird from descriptions as Argentavis magnificens, also known as the 'Giant Teratorn', a creature six million years old and long thought to be extinct.
The discovery has baffled scientists and prompted debate from religious scholars who were today protesting at the Museum of National History in London, telling passersby to 'shove evolution up your ass'. Internet discussions have proclaimed that 'God is the biggest troll ever.' When asked to comment, Stephen Hawking was heard to have said 'What the fuck?'

Greens groups have created the Previously-Extinct Native Intelligence Society (PENIS) for gathering information on new species previously thought to be extinct.

800px-argentavis_magnificens_thumb

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Angela R. April 27, 2009 10:25 Flag

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Curtis McCreac June 27, 2011 00:25 0 Thumb-ups
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New Underwater Cruise ship!

UnderSea Cruises has unveiled it's jaw-dropping proposal to build a 715-foot submarine cruise ship.

Of course, features are limited due to the fact that there is not much space because of the 4 Rudder-Prop engines, which require over 1,200 Square Feet.

But getting on to the features themselves, a two deck swimming pool, an aquarium, triplex suites and duplex suites, over 400 staterooms, a small water park, conservatory, discos and restaurants.

Those amenities are laugh-out-loud, due to today's amazing inventions like Air Parks (Parks with rides using air, like the Blaster-Plaster) and Waitraunts (Eateries where you do anything but 'Rest')

Stay tuned for more updates!

Sk-aesir_thumb

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Eric Maietta June 01, 2009 01:08 16 Thumb-ups
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F.D.A.: Everything causes Cancer in Rats

Dateline: Washington, D.C., U.S.A. 2018. In a special press confernece a spokesperson for the Food and Drug Administration announced that it has been determined that just about everything causes cancer in rats. After a 20 year study involving over 100,000 rats, it would now seem that, in sufficient concentrations and quantities, almost anything will cause cancer in rats.

When asked by a reporter what his agency's position is on all the substances and products that have been banned by the F.D.A. for causing cancer in rats in the past, the spokesperson replied, "Uh, sorry!".

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[User has left the building] December 18, 2013 07:04 Flag

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Fjs Falkonos April 13, 2011 12:10 Flag

Respect – that's absolutley great ;-)

(null) February 21, 2010 16:34 Flag

Well... better not to take any risks. :/

Jani Salomaa February 21, 2010 10:19 Flag

I'm pretty sure. But the Onion doesn't archive the little news... If Eric really vouches for it's originality, cool.

(null) February 21, 2010 02:59 Flag

Jani, are you sure about it being in the Onion? I can't find any article there that matches this.

(This is important because we're depending on search engines to verify that articles are original.)

Jani Salomaa December 20, 2009 10:01 Flag

Eric - That's taken from The Onion, if i'm not mistaken. Don't post it as your own idea. The Iron Sky team could enter in a world of shite if they get caught with a copyright violation like that.

It's some funny stuff, anyways.

MajorD December 20, 2009 07:49 Flag

I liked it until the punchline. I think they need an actual explanation, although it needs to be funny.

Lynn Kirkconnell June 14, 2009 09:15 Flag

Everywhere is kitten....uhh....*rat* trouble.......

Timo Vuorensola June 04, 2009 10:18 Flag

That's great :) I'm laughing my ass off here.

Jason Robert Slanina June 01, 2009 03:14 Flag

Dam good one. Too bad it was after the daedline. I can't stop laughing..

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David Yacobus January 30, 2012 00:46 1 Thumb-up
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Cyber Crime Increasing Dramatically

The online world is no longer safe. Where it used to be a walk in the park now can costs you your money, even your life. Online games community totally agreed with this report. Cyber criminals hit their victims for their cash and equipment. Whether it is gold, diamond, credits or just a simple magical wand, red/blue potions and even rare items. Some of these criminals operates individually but some others formed some groups, big and small. While smaller groups may just use unicorns, larger groups can attack you using tanks. A more frightening report indicates that some of the sindycates are using Spaceships to attack its victims.

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[User has left the building] October 18, 2013 10:12 Flag

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(null) May 23, 2010 02:56 6 Thumb-ups
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Glade introduce Personal Plug-Ins

Glade, the world's leading manufacturer of air fresheners, today announced a major new range of products: Personal Plug-Ins(TM).

"We're very excited to be launching this exciting new product" said a spokesperson, "In the past we've had to deal with ambient scent issues after the unfortunate event has already happened. But with Personal Plug-Ins(TM) we can tackle the problem at its source."

Worn inside the rear portion of underwear, the PPI(TM) traps the user's flatus, and instead releases one of five pleasant artificial scents including Misty Pine, Secluded Valley, Tropical Beach, Arctic Ice and Spicy Pineapple.

"This is great!" exclaimed a satisfied customer, "Since I got my first batch of PPIs I've been farting as much as possible. The wife loves it, and of course it's very popular at parties too."

"We intend to expand our PPI product line in the very near future." said a Glade spokesperson, "In fact, we can reveal that we are in talks with leading scent brands such as Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger to create a designer range of PPIs. We want to turn the act of flatulence into a fashion statement."

(Inspired by http://www.wreckamovie.com/shots/show/1310 )

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Mark Medrano September 13, 2011 14:49 Flag

I lost it at the "farting as much as possible. The wife loves it," part. XD LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

(null) June 06, 2010 01:02 Flag

Oh dear oh dear oh dear... MajorD, thanks for that, clearly almost everything that can be patented has been... :/

MajorD June 02, 2010 04:30 Flag

ROFL

You're welcome ladies. :D

Angela R. June 01, 2010 20:30 Flag

Oh dear... :/

(null) June 01, 2010 10:50 Flag

MajorD, that's... absolutely frightening.

Apparently American consumer products are impossible to parody, however ridiculous it might sound there will be someone somewhere who has made it.

MajorD June 01, 2010 08:21 Flag

I was expecting the produce to be anally inserted.

There is actually a product kind of similar to what the joke has. It is a muffling air filter pillow, so you can fart while sitting without offending.
http://www.amazon.com/GasBGon-Flatulence-Filter-Cushion-Patented/dp/B0006YXVX8
"The GasBGon® flatulence odor control seat cushion is a high performance air filter designed to look and feel like a conventional seat cushion incorporating a sound dampening filter and a proprietary activated carbon odor filter."

Angela R. May 24, 2010 14:50 Flag

Awesomely terrifying, I'd dare say...

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Curtis McCreac June 27, 2011 00:37 0 Thumb-ups
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New CN Tower-Tower

After the demo of the tiny CN Tower, Canada is starting construction of the CN Tower-Tower, an office/apartment/recreation building which will be 20,500 feet tall, still dwarfed by the Burj-Burj Dubai, which is 30,715 feet, not including the spire.

Stay tuned for more updates.

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Gert-Jan Van de Voorde August 18, 2011 17:23 Flag

Would CN Double Tower (or even CN Tower²) not be a better name then CN Tower-Tower.

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Curtis McCreac June 27, 2011 00:34 0 Thumb-ups

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Eric Maietta August 15, 2010 17:21 5 Thumb-ups
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California Wildfires Produce Unexpected Effects

August 11, 2011. Los Angeles, CA: Wildfires near the city have burned through a secluded valley which contained an unusually large number of mature marijuana plants. The prevailing winds at the time blew the smoke from these fires directly over the city. LA County health officials have released an alert advising citizens to remain indoors with their windows shut. The LA Police Dept. reported that this alert has been widely ignored. The LA Chamber of Commerce reports that during the wildfire sales of pepperoni pizza, rocky road ice-cream, and double fudge, chocolate chunk brownies rose 375% in the city.

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Angela R. September 16, 2010 19:21 Flag

Peace, man!

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Eric Maietta August 15, 2010 15:44 2 Thumb-ups
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Beatle-Mania-Mania-Mania Opens, Closes on the Same Day

Boise, Idaho:
The third generation rip-off of the 1960's British Invasion group the Beatles opened to an audience of 52 people, 4 chickens, 6 pigs, and a cow. The backers of the show announced that further concert dates had been cancelled and that they were 'moderately disappointed' in the opening performances lackluster reception. Spokesmen for the chickens, pigs, and cow were unavailable for comment.

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Angela R. September 16, 2010 19:10 Flag

It makes absolutely no sense, hence, it sounds real? ^^

Carl Voluntaryist August 24, 2010 14:23 Flag

What do you mean?
Since when have newspapers published anything relevant (without trying to twist it to push their agenda)?

Daniel Bob Dawes August 24, 2010 13:11 Flag

how is this relivent?

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Eric Maietta August 15, 2010 15:34 2 Thumb-ups
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Hormel Stops Research into Safe Cigarette

Austin, Minnesota:
The Hormel Foods Corporation announced today that it was terminating research into the 'bacorette', a bacon based altermative to tobacco cigarettes. The bacorettes, which would have come in hickory smoked and maple flavors, was tentatively planned to use the slogan, 'smoked for your pleasure!'. Reportedly the final nail in the bacorette's coffin was when the developer's dog ate three cartons of the product and developed diarrhea.

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Angela R. September 16, 2010 19:09 Flag

The increased heart disease risk due to the contained cholesterol sounds indeed like a perfect alternative to lung cancer! XD

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