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DescriptionThe short story is finished. However, for furture consideration it could be continued further along. I have a number of ideas in that direction. You may even have a few ideas of your own. For now we will stick to what has already been written for this production. You can find the story at http://www.outpost13.com/snow_ball_t173.htm This task is closed. ShotscritYour story needs a great deal of work, most obviously with the prose but also with the content. To begin with, it's not clear why they are there, or why it natters. You could trim the beginning, and cut right to the chase. The very first line of dialogue might plunge right into the crucial exposition about the ice etc. I don't sees what difference the other technical details really make. Then, most importantly, heighten the conflict that they are all presented with, and play out the conflict in some manner of struggle. So what form will the struggle take? Do they all just sit around overcome with greed eyeing one another until violence erupts, like in 'Treasure of Ceria Madre'? Does a revolution or natural disaster erupt back home, leaving them watching the news, hanging upon every development influencing their choices? What? Every possible choice needs to make matters worse! Do they need the money? Are they facing bankruptcy? Do they need the money for medicine for a loved one? Perhaps the narcotics themselves actually have urgent medical use. Is the punishment terrible where they to be arrested? Are the consequences of messing with the mob dangerous? -either by skimming the drugs, or by calling the cops. Are the cops even less trustworthy than the mob? If they just leave the phony comet be, will other parties who have been tracking them, perhaps employed in corporate espionage, only steal the phony comet for themselves, and leave our heroes to take the fall? How can our heroes turn the tables? What makes them glad of what they have discovered? Is there leverage for revenge upon the mob? What makes them sorry they ever found the damn thing? Exactly what are the problems to be overcome? What are the external conflicts among the characters? What are the inner conflicts of each character? If honor is such an issue, then how is every possible choice only dishonorable in some different way? What events press any character to discover where honor truly lies and what takes priority? |
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As to telling you what to do: I am asking your cooperation. I am asking you to format some of your own current story points in a certain way, simply so that I can show you something that might interest you. Get a grip!
The story is about choice. You always have choices. Sometimes even the right thing to do might come with bad constuencies.
You are not offering help. You are trying to tell me what to do. Even when I give my resons for doing what I do it's not good enough.
I love constuctive and helpful critisim but you are not giving me that. It seems If I'm not going to do it your why then's its got to be wrong. You come on to strong and act like a bully about it.
You have some great ideas, but not all of them are. I've close to dumping this project via wreakamovie.
If you are a writer you know your stories are yours. You don't minf help, but are reluctant to scrap your whole idea and start over just because some else thinks you should.
You might no exactly what you are doing, but you don't know how communicate your thoughts to others without being a know it all.
AndI have my good reasons for my questions. And I know what I am doing. So, do you want my help or don't you? After all, what can it hurt you to play along with some straight answers? What is the point of getting so defensive even in advance?
I'm just tring to explain why it's the way it is and how I plan on continuing the story if I do. In other words, I do have a reason for doing things the way I did. While still having an interesting short story.
We seem to misunderstand one another. I thought that we where only dealing with the beginning that you posted, and the situation set up thereby, whatever cliff hanger or dramatic impasse, that I keep asking you simply to inventory for me in bullet points of dramatic obstacle. Because that is still what I need in order to help or work with you. Please let me know if you are interested.
If and when I extend the story I was planning on having them desided to take some of the stuff and leave. (Even my model has a lift on it's front landing pad. I could animate them going onto the surface.)
This would be the most interesting take. I'm sure I'll have them second guess everthing until the realize just how easy selling there first batch and all the cash they got for it was so easy. They then get hooked.
I do have a direction for this to go into.
Ah, but as any viewer of the wildly popular 'CSI: Arteries' readily understands, you'll never remove all and every trace without creating trace of the removal. And, as the famous 'CSI: Arteries' tagline goes: "They can find whatever you dump into space!" Even adding the their own contraband into or onto the faux asteroid won't help, because it will be easy to date thawing and refreezing in area of anything new introduced. Still, they might try something. It's up to you! Although, gee, it'd be swell to have a scientific advisor on plot points like this!
Now, of any of this was helpful, then do please catalogue the other dramatic obstacles as I requested.
Interesting point, however his last amount was wasted on the floor. Besides even if there's some left it's not like they couldn't just dump it on a frozen pile of the stuff or into space before the police show up. What's to stop them from going back home and making an anoimous report too. So turning it in is a option.
You can think of it as morality vs desperation.
Other twists could also resolve, two of the three might want to keep or turn the stuff in.
For this as a short story it's all about the reader pondering these kind of ideas.
Just with what you've alady posted, I am asking you to reiterate and explain in the terms that I have questioned of you. That will help us together to strengthen your narrative structure. I will also then be better able to help sharpen your prose.
Let me toss out the first bullet point:
-They can't just call the police themselves and turn over the fake asteroid full of dope, first of all because, as it turns out, they themselves are carrying contraband, no thanks to what's-his-name.
Please just list the rest of the obstacles.
I have a number of idea's including a number of forshadowing elements already in place. If you want to make suggestions on futher ways to expand the stoy, that's fine. I will tak them all under consideration if and when I expand on this story.
There are several possible approaches: Firstly, there is always the good old cliff hanger, wherein our heroes are left on the verge of annihilation. How can they possibly escape and survive? Or the circumstances might such that something intriguing is observed: What will happen next? How might the observers involve themselves? Or, perhaps my favorite, there is the real dramatic impasse: A circumstance for the protagonist, in which every option for the protagonist has become blocked in some different way, and wherein seemingly, the writer has painted grandly himself into a corner! Nevertheless, any sagging middle to the story must be rewritten, with progress facilitated foreshadowed earlier in the tale.
Can you explain what you hope to accomplish in any of the above terms?
For a short story you don't have as much time to get into everything you might like to. Even SF series always had to play that game. Each show would add a little more about some of there characters. If this were to ever become something bigger then I will get into more about my characters.
For the short term story I have a simple bit of character info a little back ground to frame the open ended story with the ending asking the reader, "What Would You Do?"
I do have some notes and idea's about turning it into a novel or novelette.
Then I can explore all the characters history.
What is the intended mystery? Interest must be piqued, not just impatient confusion. The points themselves semed clear enough.
I'm always greatful for any help with my grammer and ect.
I must had not been clear enough. I thought I was they are there because no one else will have them. (The lab assistant and the pilot.) The profesor is not much better off and is on his last legs.
The story is meant to be a little on the mysterious side. I had thought about making this into something bigger and that's when we can explore more aspects into all of there personalities.
The original idea of this open ending was to have the reader wonder, what will they do, and what would I do?
Thanks for the input. If I develop this into more or expand the story a little I will probably do some of the very things you talked about.