German biologist killed in freak accident by extinct bird

German biologist Gordon Kohl, who had been stationed in Argentina to study the vegetation in the forests of the Gran Chaco province, was killed on Tuesday in what scientific minds all over the world have dubbed both 'a terrible tragedy' and 'an amazing discovery.' Kohl's associate Brian Davis said that Gordon was 'minding his own business perusing ferns' when 'an enormously large bird came swooping down and grabbed him by the shoulders'. Kohl's half-eaten body was later found hanging out of a tree. Zoologists have identified the bird from descriptions as Argentavis magnificens, also known as the 'Giant Teratorn', a creature six million years old and long thought to be extinct.
The discovery has baffled scientists and prompted debate from religious scholars who were today protesting at the Museum of National History in London, telling passersby to 'shove evolution up your ass'. Internet discussions have proclaimed that 'God is the biggest troll ever.' When asked to comment, Stephen Hawking was heard to have said 'What the fuck?'

Greens groups have created the Previously-Extinct Native Intelligence Society (PENIS) for gathering information on new species previously thought to be extinct.