Conspiracy Clouds Perfect Day

Buff Lemon
Manhattan, New York

The union of doormen and elevatormen did in fact rally as one in individualized hit squads the day before yesterday, murdering scores of ungrateful banking families to the wild delight of newspaper writers across the land. Yesterday's headlines, ‘Heroes,’ ‘Patriots,’ ‘Diplomats,’ helped my granddaddy, a veteran, kick his morphine habit and die in remembrance of his hardiest moments. The ticker tape parades still popping up around the burroughs will surely absolve this writer’s copy for a humbly free paper.

At least twelve Mexican maids have been deported from the country on trumped up charges of laziness and entrapment to validate Gotham’s longest running show, Law and Order, which depicts why so many can live in such relative peace to the delight of newspaper readers around the globe. TV star Vin Dockery had this to say, 'Uh, yeah, as president of a union that relies on bureaucracy, I felt we had to make a stand and say, no, things don't shake down like that, foreign nationals may burglarize and kill one, but one doesn't just get gunned down en mass by one's doormen. TV don't play that.'

Lord’s of London representative, Jerome Pendurompus, had this to say, ‘It’s amazing, a few thousand doormen in Manhattan can concoct a heroic plan to execute majority will in Manhattan, and the economy rises like a phoenix in China the day before!’ Ms. Pendurompus denied the fact that anyone was deported to legitimate the economically sound bloodlust, ‘Don't listen to actors, they just sell sex. Conspiracy doesn’t work in America. Government’s distopicly awkward rhetorical skills insures this. Those maids were probably just caught in the wrong place at the wrong time and didn’t know whom should be trusted. Trust me, those doormen are heros and as far as I'm concerned they acted for England as much as any other ideal.’

It's true the Mexican 12 may not get tried in their home country for rousing suicidal behavior in the homes of their Gringo employers but Mexico is a fiercely Catholic country and one does not need to be tried there to be persecuted.