Deuters News Network

DEUTERS
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2:22 (EST)

Onion buys Deuters.

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2:22 (EST)

Warren Buffet Dies.

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2:20 (EST)
Appellant Courts of Illinois

Bailiffs across the state yesterday declared martial law and prisons were opened to make way for graduating college students who missed out on obtaining a degree in any science whatsoever. Innocent felons meanwhile were directed to join the war effort, 'unless they can count and appreciate scientific thinking simultaneously in order to enable sound scientific practices within the field of locomotion and before.'

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2:02 (EST)
New York, New York

Live News President of Programming, Vandy Hart, files suit against Deuters News Machine Ltd. for monopolizing the news with death and corpses to polk fun at her network of news stations.

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2:00PM (EST)
New York, New York

Manhattan Judge, the Honorable Judith Judicius Donder, set bail for Bernie Dowdoff, the successfully suicidal investment banker, at one green Thomas Jefferson or a clairvoyant, a cleaning crew, and comedian, 'which ever comes first.' Protesters continue to gather in legal offices throughout Manhattan to discuss the legality of holding a deceased body against the majority's will.

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1:37PM (EST)
London, England

Media mogul Fred Gutz has filed a suit against supercouple turned superhostages Spartatodd. The suit will attack, Sparta Jones' and Todd Reichs' foundation, ‘Good,’ for monopolizing their lives and ruining Gutz' English language trade zines, ‘Spy,’ ‘Slave,’ and ‘Pro-this,’ dedicated to reaffirming the invaluable star power of internationally bankable stars celebrating the curiously transparent society.

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12:37PM EST
Orlando, FL
Lavachdra Murmerdra:
“
INDIA'S BIG BROWN IS STAR BOUND! Rocket scientists the world over have been very excited by Gomber’s clean energy thrust weight coefficients. But no one expected Gomber’s system to propel us into the stars. With Arjuna II’s successful launch, now we know that renewable energy can clean upwards into the stratosphere. It’s true we’re still perfecting the technology, and we hope to attain a zero germ environment in our fuselage so that they may be converted into living quarters with some proper funding. Arjuna II’s hull will be used as a vertical greenhouse in Delhi to capture very high rising CO2 gases that too often evade even our tallest trees. Believe it or not but indigenous waste is running low in India, so, here and now, we are prepared to announce an even smarter design for our next launch – Italian manure. Believe it or not – there is greater access to the fervent gases over there so long as they have toilets and open-air garbage dumps. The Tibetan company, Pow Milk, will oversee infrastructure development to ensure an enriched product piped from the Black Sea. Although the Italian DOC & DOC Guarateed councils have ensured a powerful basic product, here at ISRO we appreciate knowing Pow’s involved. We still believe Big Brown can take us to Mars and Venus and we fully expect our BB2 Propulsion Rockets to attain a prolonged orbital stasis within the year.
“

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11:37AM
Washington D.C.

White House secretary Jay Gap told reporters that it was too early to respond to International News Corp. chief, Fred Gutz, because, 'we have many more responsibilities besides him. Accordingly, a response from the administration may be forthcoming if the President or chief of staff or my tenth grade son currently engaged in social studies has the time to think of something poignantly funny to say to such an obvious bigot.'

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10:01AM/EST
Queens NYPD reported finding Frank Stopa - Sports reporter, Constitution blogger, and Brighton Beach resident - incinerated beyond recognition down to his shins. "Yeah, lucky his dentures fell out or we wouldn't have nothing to go go - he's being 3/4's ash. Needless to say, our official position on this one is 'weird.'"

9:37AM/EST

A Franco / Slovak UN Forensic team pieced together the heroism that lead to a pile of Falun Gong practitioners to be found dying around the Olympic torch in the Gobi dessert.
Carrying the Olympic torch after three days of running, marathon favorite Slabodine Sleewek collapses of exhaustion and dies in Turkey. Kenyan runner Wiose Rnowe caught the torch and carried Sleewek’s body and continued on. Rnowe collapsed and died in outer Iran but not before reigning Saudi world champion marathoner Prince Sheik Eaton caught the falling torch, and hauled the diminutive Pole and gigantic Kenyan on his shoulders. It was their excessive weight that caused the great Sheik Eaton to sink and drown in the sands of the Gobi dessert and not the peaceful Falun Gongers who apparently were just attracted by the light of the still burning torch.
German born Pope John Paul III and Polish prime minister Lester Soborowich
celebrated the selflessness of the Olympic spirit by mourning together before Mass.

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5:07AM/EST
International News Corp. boss Fred Gutz accuses the White House of media terrorism, insisting that a rant on international TV about an imminent 'Moon Nazi Invasion' never happened:
'The administration have been especially soft on media terrorists. And I wonder why. Allowing kids to assemble 'cut and paste puppet shows' of real people doing unimaginably disgusting things to encourage the imagination and a compositional eye is one thing, but scaring the American people through identity theft is just wrong. The truth is our business OK: Nazis didn't go to the moon and they're not coming back and they would never dare to invade such a free and open society as ours no matter what you see on your monitors.'

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7:03PM/EST
In New York, Live News boss Vandy Hart dismisses claims that the 'Moon Invasion' incident ever happened. International News Corp. head, Fred Gutz, stunned a group of reporters in Australia by going Kangaroo hunting with Koffer Weiss: 'I haven't in studio for over a week. I'm a retired man enjoying god's green earth.'

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6:11PM/EST
Koffer Weiss fired from Live News for going off script at outset of program:

'What we know: Nazis of the 1940s, never tiring of fighting multiple fronts, conquered Antarctica and founded New Swabia. From this frozen outpost, Nazis successfully perfected their experiments in free energies and launched a colony into space to rule Earth in secret from the dark side of the Moon. Shielded from the great equalizer, light, these Nazis unleashed an incessant program of merciless counterintelligence using UFOs to staff our most common fears and manipulate our highest aspirations. They now dare open conflict rather than covert rule. FIGHT - if you value your life – FIGHT!'