Ms. Misty Matters Debriefing

My English friends have checked the following for coded Nazi messages and have assured me that there is no mobilization encoded herein...

(the link of 'Blond Superman' is the filename...)

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Ms. Misty Matters Debriefing
Cologne, LA

Dear Misty Matters,

In the most recent Superman, ‘Red, The Green Lantern,’ The murderous Green Lantern clan traveled to the center of the earth to bring back the Solar Prism that may rob Superman of his powers. When I decried the clannish behavior of Protectors of Oa, my boy pointed out that Superman has been acting funny ever since he went blond! Blond?! Sure enough, the Superman that I knew and loved is no more and the comic is printed in India! How do I teach my boy that Superman’s hair is black/blue?

Zeek Early,
YellowStone National Park

Dear Zeek Early,

Tysk, tysk, tysk for not admitting to me that your boy had to console his father for the first time. It is never easy for men to show their feelings, especially to a homosexual youth, but vulnerable emotions expressing disbelief or confusion may crush an individual’s authority over the young. Admittedly, I never had these problems, as mother and I frequently enjoyed crying competitions while brother and father boxed, wrestled, or counted out the numerical mysteries of the circle in song. I suggest burning the comic and focusing on more constructive, mathematical pursuits. After all, don’t the Green Lanterns use, in the end, numbers to defeat irrationality? After all, it is not Superman’s hair color that is the issue, but his arrogant desire to be judge, jury, lawyer, journalist, physics professor, doctor, insurance actuator, banker, insurance salesman and pilot all in one without ever taking responsibility for the ills of the world and yet insisting on looking fashionably fit?

Dear ObamaSlama,

No, I do not think, ‘it is high time we all admitted Santa’s an Eskimo.’ I notice you do not suggest that Eskimos are elves; all adults know the elves do all the work, Santa just wrangles the reindeer and jumps down the chimneys. And he doesn’t even do that without the use of magic. There is nothing to be gained by exporting St. Nick to autochthonous Artic peoples to make geography easier to teach and your children easier to discipline. If Santa Claus is white is it only that he comes from a white place – the Himalayas. The North Pole doesn’t have enough snow to be Santa’s true headquarters.

Dear Rolloster,

Just because you are larger than before does not necessarily mean you should talk more and laugh less. If fact, it just might mean you could allow others to say more so that you may ridicule with greater finality.

Dear Sofa Hittite,

Limiting the amount of channels may benefit our children and will certainly cut down on ‘flipping time’ if you happen to have lost your index of episodic retention challenges know as the TV guide. Otherwise, I can only recommend heightened literacy. This has as much to do with knowing that to be human is to be teacher after one has graduated from student.

Dear Spaceship Gomber,

Your threat to chain President Obama to a microphone in the middle of Tiananmen Square until he ‘becomes HaHa funny’ is well taken. All should so enjoy proximity with such a monological fount of poetic common sense. Especially those who wish to learn the language rather than giggle to it’s flagging, faltering, and failing. However, I must remind you that the secret of comedy is silence. I agree, the sudden death of Adolf Stalin has left, ‘as evil a hole in comedy as has ever been unspoken without pleasing me to vibration.’ I do not agree, however, that, ‘the only solution is to torture our finest speakers until they turn daffy or schizophrenically verbal and expectantly silent.’ Adolf Stalin coined some of the past decades silliest comments: from his ‘Questioning Nazi’, sketch, to the ‘Don’t you find Music Television boring?’ simultaneous telethon for bone cancer and prophylactic dissemination, to his ‘Odes to Robin Williams’ Silent Slasher Films, to his 2012 one man show, ‘Prophecy Terrorist’. I'm a fan. Nobody has made me cry more often with less sex appeal. That said, I can not consent to forced demagoguery in print as a remedy for the tired hearts and minds of this waxing Green Generation without ceasing my ongoing fantasy: quitting my job. I wish with all my heart that this comedian did not take up flying like so many Hollywood stars and instead turned to drugs or booze or something far less dangerous. But like Adolf said, ‘I’m a funny man; I prefer to be alone.’

Dear Jude Farben,

Hebrew is a dessert language and not ‘a dead language.’ Have faith and trust me when I tell you that one does not have to be Jewish to be treated like an outsider. Although spending all your free time studying a dessert language to receive sacred monies may increase your popularity with your peers should you entertain and invite them to your certification, it is not, like the return of Jesus to judge the living and the dead, a forgone conclusion as far as I can tell. Who cares if you study less and are funnier in school than others, you can still barely read outloud this dessert language without breaking the silence of your fellow Jews with your own laughter. You are not, as you fear, ‘doomed to a comedic demise like Adolf Stalin.’ There’s nothing funny about disappearing from the face of the earth in a solo glider around the Antarctic pursuing the mantle of the first pilot to vertically circumnavigate the globe raising money for ice production to support our Climate Stabilization Protocols. Grow up.

Dear Vulgate Advocacy,

Sex is like a great credit card. You can get just about anything with it if you know what you’re doing. If you don’t, forget the presents. Returns are so embarrassing. If your partner asks for a receipt, don’t offer to get her a bigger ‘gift,’ just support her through her process so that it may be as quick and painless as possible. Nobody likes waiting on line and with strangers.

Dear Mnemonic Protestant,

Life is only like a box of chocolates if you know that a box of chocolates contains things that are filled with different sweets. And that is why Forest Gump is aretarded; and that is why later century American cinema represents the entirety of retarded propaganda and therefore the worst of all propaganda despite the causality numbers. Happiness comes from overcoming hardship and is not a result of ignorance you will learn!

Happy Saint Valentines Day!
From Miss Misty Matters